Life

Free

Everyone loves the word free. It means without obligations, without having to give anything to get. In a perfect world, our souls are free.

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In my last post I dove into some of my demons, mostly the depression and anxiety from before I had Ellee. Sometimes we think we’re in the clear, but really those demons are just away for a little while waiting to creep back in when you’re not expecting it. Since I stopped breastfeeding about 2 months ago, everything has been slowly spiraling back to the way it was before. I wake up with the black cloud and can’t get rid of it no matter how many baby smiles I get.

It’s hard to talk to people about depression because you feel like a downer, but it’s not easy to put on a smile when you feel like the world is crashing around you and nobody else has any idea. Everyone seems so happy and all I wish is that I could be that way but I know I can’t because I’ll never be as normal as they are. I look at my baby and tell myself that I have to be happy for her, she can’t grow up with a mom who smiles on the outside but feels like a worn out shell of a person inside. But how do I fix myself? How do I get to the cause of all this? Well, I’ve come  to the conclusion that I can’t. I’ve tried therapy and every natural cure possible. Getting out my frustrations to someone did nothing for me, it just made me think about my past which made it worse. I wish I could do it myself, but I can’t. It’s exhausting. I’m a mom, I can’t afford to already be exhausted because my brain can’t balance itself.

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, for the first time since I’ve had Ellee, and I’m honestly relieved to finally admit I can’t battle myself anymore. I need medication to help, and there is no shame in that. I may not want to be on drugs, but I’d rather be happy than whatever this is. The best way I’ve found to describe depression to someone is it’s like waking up in the negative. Most people wake up neutral, they need a few bad morning happenings for it to be a bad day and go into the negative. I wake up in the negative, I have to actively try to talk myself up to even get to the neutral level so I can possibly get to the ultimate level of happy. It’s not so bad for a day or two, which is what an average person experiences when life gets a little tough, but after weeks it’s exhausting. There are so many days I wake up and wish I didn’t have responsibilities so I could lay in bed and turn on mind numbing TV, but I don’t have that option anymore. I have to pull myself out of bed and take care of a little one. I have a life relying on me to take care of her and I don’t take that lightly.

Having depression and a baby is tough, but if I can do this I feel like I can do anything. So if you’re out there struggling, please at the very least reach out to someone. I’ll be happy to listen to your unhappiness, because sometimes it’s just having someone who understands that makes all the difference.

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Kansas city on a day that looks like my brain feels 😩

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3 thoughts on “Free

  1. Depression is always hard to talk about because its hard for people to understand mental disorders,when they don’t have them themselves. i have struggled with depression, i never opened up to anyone about it b/c i felt as if they would say i’m being dramatic or just PMSing… but that’s not always it. when you don’t even want to look people in the eye cause you don’t want them to ask whats wrong.. you just keep on pushing down that pain and some how a smile and a laugh will spill out. but you don’t really feel that way. as you’re laughing you’re thinking to yourself i’m not actually happy im just doing this for them or so i seem normal… the depression seeping lower into your stomach you can feel the tightness. then you go to bed. and it all happens again. dealing with the sadness/loneliness and feeling so alone .. I’m so sorry you are going through this now. but there is always a silver lining and the future for you Chelcee is so bright and beautiful. i love you and look up to you more than you know. Ellee is definitely a lucky girl to have such an insightful and thoughtful mommy. i may not fully know what you’re going through, but i am always here for you and will never judge or think differently of you. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So much of what you said I relate to! It’s impossible to really get across to someone who doesn’t have depression how it feels. There’s no way to describe something they have never had to deal with, so they immediately (in my head, at least) try to rationalize why you are feeling that way, etc. Always trying to come up with a reason, when their isn’t necessarily anything wrong with your life or situation is how I kept prolonging going to the doctor! I was always thinking to myself that it had to be the stress of having a baby and no sleep, plus an impending heart surgery and the normal day to day stresses that were making me feel so terrible all the time and it would eventually level out. I wanted to think that my depression was “cured” by having a baby, just like I always wanted. But of course that’s not the case and I finally exhausted myself. I really appreciate you not only taking the time to read this, but also to share your thoughts. It’s so nice to know you’re not alone! I hope that you can find some kind of comfort in knowing I’m here for you also ❤ Love you!

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