Everyone loves the word free. It means without obligations, without having to give anything to get. In a perfect world, our souls are free.
In my last post I dove into some of my demons, mostly the depression and anxiety from before I had Ellee. Sometimes we think we’re in the clear, but really those demons are just away for a little while waiting to creep back in when you’re not expecting it. Since I stopped breastfeeding about 2 months ago, everything has been slowly spiraling back to the way it was before. I wake up with the black cloud and can’t get rid of it no matter how many baby smiles I get.
It’s hard to talk to people about depression because you feel like a downer, but it’s not easy to put on a smile when you feel like the world is crashing around you and nobody else has any idea. Everyone seems so happy and all I wish is that I could be that way but I know I can’t because I’ll never be as normal as they are. I look at my baby and tell myself that I have to be happy for her, she can’t grow up with a mom who smiles on the outside but feels like a worn out shell of a person inside. But how do I fix myself? How do I get to the cause of all this? Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t. I’ve tried therapy and every natural cure possible. Getting out my frustrations to someone did nothing for me, it just made me think about my past which made it worse. I wish I could do it myself, but I can’t. It’s exhausting. I’m a mom, I can’t afford to already be exhausted because my brain can’t balance itself.
I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, for the first time since I’ve had Ellee, and I’m honestly relieved to finally admit I can’t battle myself anymore. I need medication to help, and there is no shame in that. I may not want to be on drugs, but I’d rather be happy than whatever this is. The best way I’ve found to describe depression to someone is it’s like waking up in the negative. Most people wake up neutral, they need a few bad morning happenings for it to be a bad day and go into the negative. I wake up in the negative, I have to actively try to talk myself up to even get to the neutral level so I can possibly get to the ultimate level of happy. It’s not so bad for a day or two, which is what an average person experiences when life gets a little tough, but after weeks it’s exhausting. There are so many days I wake up and wish I didn’t have responsibilities so I could lay in bed and turn on mind numbing TV, but I don’t have that option anymore. I have to pull myself out of bed and take care of a little one. I have a life relying on me to take care of her and I don’t take that lightly.
Having depression and a baby is tough, but if I can do this I feel like I can do anything. So if you’re out there struggling, please at the very least reach out to someone. I’ll be happy to listen to your unhappiness, because sometimes it’s just having someone who understands that makes all the difference.
Kansas city on a day that looks like my brain feels 😩