Family · Life

Questions (& answers?)

These past few weeks have been a bit busy so I haven’t had much time to process everything that’s been going on, much less write about it. I haven’t really stopped to think about how much has changed in the short amount of time since my last blog post! I started selling on Etsy and just rolled into a store not even a month into running my online shop, which I’m so excited about. I have a lot of making and planning to do as far as that goes so I have been pretty busy with that alone, but of course there is life in between business and one thing in particular has taken over the last week.

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Here’s where I’ll be setting up shop next week!

My family situation has always been complicated, and explaining everything can get super confusing really fast. I grew up thinking the man who was with my mom was my father, and I was honestly relieved when I found out at 13 that he wasn’t my biological dad. He was a terrible father, a druggie, and had a horrible temper he liked to take out on my mom and I. The only problem with finding this out was that my mom had absolutely no contact with or idea where my sperm donor was, so I didn’t give much thought about it because, well, I had my adopted Dad and he’s enough. I tried to search for him online and gave up after a month of no luck. I truly do not want anything at this point in life from this man. All I want to know is if he really is my dad, and if so, what the hell am I. Now that I have a daughter I feel like it’s even more important to know. Especially if his family has a history of heart problems like Ellee was born with.

Cut to last week: my mom calls and asks if I’m sitting down. When you hear that so many things start to race through your head. I go to the worst place imaginable right off the bat and think someone is in the hospital or dying. She said she had found my dad the past week and was talking to him about doing a DNA test to prove either way if he is my dad. He has two kids and a wife of 21 years who says she’ll divorce him if he has another kid out there, but he’s doing it without her knowledge and “wants to do the right thing”. At this point I’m completely shocked and relieved someone isn’t dying after all, but I can’t seem to come up with a response. My mom had set all of the testing up and had a friend willing to meet up with him to gather his side of the paternity test and then come by and collect mine. The next day. Like holy crap. I just couldn’t process everything at the time I was talking to her so I can’t imagine what I even said.

I sent the test off on Saturday and should have the results in the next few days, and I have woken up everyday thinking about it. I am so nervous excited I could throw up. I really don’t want to be excited though, because if it comes back positive what’s next? Where do we go from there? Do I become the secret kid he hides from his family? Does he want to meet me at all or will he be gone just as fast as he came? Do I get to meet my brother(s) and sister(s) or will I even get to know their names? Will he be wierded out by being a grandpa when he has kids who are 10 & 13? Just so many questions. But, it all starts with the results. All I can do at this point is wait and wonder.

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